Michael Rachlis

Welcome, friend.  This is the official bio of actor, writer, and all-around direct link to God and all that is holy, Michael David Rachlis.  Unfortunately, official or not, attempting to write a bio, blurb, or any other contrived some such for a figure such as Mr. Rachlis is a tricky business.  Some would say a dangerous business.  Others still would say a sexy business…a very sexy business indeed.

Be that as it may, this much is clear: cultural luminaries—be they Einstein, Jesus, or even Heidi Klum—are different than the rest of us.  Namely, they are better.  In fact they are so much better that any attempt by us lesser beings to chronicle, label, or in any way describe these anointed ones is doomed to failure, shame, and social isolation.  Likewise the resulting biographical product, failing to live up to it’s subject matter, will be linguistic garbage—at best oversimplified and artificially reductive, and, at worst, criminally libel and punishable by death (See Angelina Jolie vs. The Mole People).

Therefore, the following realization must be made: writing Mr. Rachlis’s bio, like gay marriage and the rapture, must remain a dream deferred. Any attempt on the contrary is not only a recreationally bad idea, but also a potentially dangerous affront to the cosmic order of man, beast, and tranny hooker alike.  Such direct indignities to the universe come with too high a price for the masses and must thusly be reserved for use by miscreants on the margins and Baldwin brothers not named Alec.

That said, kind reader, I can only leave you with this small aphorism.  It is a truth both profound and deep.  I wish only that it may it be a rock-steady guide in your further Michael Rachlis explorations.

Brevity is the soul of wit. Everything that Michael Rachlis says, thinks, and does is brevity.

FIN.